Allegedly a real US sports report:

"A zip-two shutout for Team USA saw Mexico bested and the US elevated to eight-left status at soccer's World Tournament Monday.

Cobi Jones' 40-yard speed-play upfielded for Landon Donovan to put through the scorebag on his head - equalling jubilation in the US locker-room.

Friedel, rostering for Kasey Keller, performed big when Mexico's offensive hitman Blanco had a net-shot opportunity late in the third quarter.

And the USA defense performed hang-tough also, though a non-call on fieldman John O'Brien with 23.12 on the game-clock could have led to a Card Red ejection.

Field player Donovan now has 323 out-field minutes, a raise of 71 on USA at Italy Soccer World '90.

USA is now to face a sudden-death match-up with spunky Germany, who is a three-time champion looking for another World Cup ring.

Last week, Team States sneaked one out against Portugal when MC Bride hit into the shot-zone, earning bragging points for years to come.

Veteran coach Bruce Arena placed two cornermen in the net-box to negate Portugal firing-boots George Costa and Louis Figo, and his thinking bore heavy fruits.

Free agent Jeff Agoos went ape down the 11th when whistled for a clamber on Paul Eta, but Eddie The Pope holed in from the loop for O'Brien and the bird was flown."

Tel Aviv (SatireWire.com) - Israel today continued to believe it was building a massive fence to seal off the West Bank instead of unwittingly footing the bill to construct the first stage of an 800-mile-long wall meant to seal off the entire state of Israel from everyone else.

"The company is to stop supporting Sun Microsystems' flagship product by 2004.
Microsoft cited Sun's opposition in the case as the reason for removing support for the Java language from future versions of Windows."